How do people in wheelchairs take a leak?  You’re probably thinking urinals, or even diapers… oh, hell no!  Instead, I use condom catheters, like jet fighter pilots, since it’s obviously a war crime to pee on the enemy.

When I first discovered them, it was quite the revelation.  There was finally a way to pee freely.  I remember asking a hospital nurse to leave my room when nature called.  She was pissed.  I had never seen someone so pissed over the fact that she couldn’t see me piss, but I’ll never forget the day of my “tutorial”.

The nurse smiled as she lowered me onto bed.  She asked how I was.  I asked her the same.  Out of nowhere like an eagle hunting prey, she swooped down into my pants, viciously grabbing my hoo-ha by the chokehold!  Lying there, my parents of all people were standing in the corner, watching on as an elderly woman gave me a handjob.

And you know how compromised a position you’re in when a woman is in full control?  I was nervous as heck.  I violently shuffled through thought after thought about absolutely anything; Martha Stewart, gigantic oatmeal pies for moles (that have hair).  PLEASE DON’T CREAM YOURSELF!  PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF PANTS!!!

I was sweating bullets, retracting my rectum as much as humanly possible, while desperately trying to keep everything in the sack.  She finished only seconds before a potential disaster and said, “That’s a good boy!”

Well, shit…

But there are drawbacks to independent peeing.  Despite shivering out of the blue in conversation, when the drainage bag spontaneously combusted over my floors, let’s just say it was nothing short of embarrassing!  My question is, how do you explain to someone that the reason your wooden tiles are protruding is because they were marinated in your own urine?

A great mystery is why I still have hair down under.  With each removal, you’d think I required a membership for The Pubic Hair Club for Men.  To make it worse, the genius decided to use the super adhered version.

As I continued to lay motionless, staring blankly into the ceiling, mother turned on the flashlight and took out a pair of scissors…

DEARIE ME!!!