Heartfelt girl-to-girl conversations make me cry.  I want to be a part of them.  I continue searching for ways to overcome the boundaries of gender, but if accomplished, my heart would still grow faint at the thought of those beautiful creatures, their wings brushing against my skin.  Girls make me feel as though I’m falling off my wheelchair all the time.

It might sound a little cliché to say they’re angels, but their modesty and inability to acknowledge their own nature are proof that they are, in fact, more.  Intentions make them pure at heart.  Yet in the same light, smart-ass girls are angelic because their feistiness is really a mask to hide the softness that makes them so special.  How could anyone not want to join in on their talks when the hilarity of their jokes and sensitivity of their heart-to-hearts are impeccable?

Smart-assedness is one thing, but nerdy girls are super hot.  What guy wouldn’t want someone sexy and smart, who will force him to find better, more innovative ways to hide pr0n and throw 60,000,000 fireballs back at will?  Not to mention, librarians!  There’s nothing hotter than librarian hot, when she removes her glasses to reveal her naturally flowing hair with a fling in slow motion, especially in the process of tripping over a book.

Clumsy girls are hot because when she topples your way, you can catch them falling upon your arms like the damsels in distress they are.  However, with me, she might end up pushing on my joystick and causing my wheelchair to go insane, running over her pretty toes.  When you call to check up on her, she’ll understand exactly how much you care and ultimately reveal her clinginess, which is hot.  Opportunity spells for showing her that real men exist.  It’s about making her vomit from constant love and affection, no matter how, when, or where.

You have to show how much you care for her heart, despite the puke on your shoulder.  This is the reason girls with fake boobs are hot because what matters are her inner versions.  It makes no difference if they’re big or small.  Asking for a peek every now and then will not only help her realize how weak to your knees you are, but also allow her to know you’ll always love her the way she is.  As you venture into the realm of breastesses, you’ll understand that virtuous girls are hot resulting from your desire to corrupt them.

She’ll most likely refuse to flash, but it’s a gamble worth taking because angry girls are extra hot.  They’ll make you rapidly fan your mouth like a groundhog that ate a leaf of lettuce sprayed with a cayenne pepper solution.  While you may become fearful, love is about trust.  You need to believe that she won’t castrate you in the middle of the night.

If still upset, it then becomes an opportunity to act like a bitch and use “horny” as a verb.  Horny her fat friend innocently with compliments because jealous girls are ultra hot.  They’re only jealous because they care!

Aside from the pretend covetousness, you must acknowledge that chubby girls are hot because love is about making her know she’s perfect the way she is.  It makes me sad when they don’t think themselves good enough.  If I had one, I’d love her forever, and plus, I have a fat girl fantasy.  I’d poke her yummy tummy like with the Pillsbury Doughboy at every given chance.

But skinny girls shouldn’t be forgotten.  It makes me sad when they don’t think themselves good enough either.  Even if they look like dried-up monkeys sometimes, they’re still so lovely.  They’re the real-life Tinkerbelle, the first girl I had ever fallen for.  All you want is to keep her in a jar and protect her delicate nature from harm’s way, except, love will encourage you to let her go so she might have enough room to get plump.  Your desire to cook a nutritious and delicious meal for her makes her scrumptiously hot.

The same goes for prostitutes because it’s about turning her away from a life of sex and drugs to one of ham and cheese.  It’s to show her love without lust, and let her have a nice wash for once.  Bathing defines a lot of what hotness is, which is why I drool over Pantene girls.  For all my life, I’ve strived to be a molester of pretty hair, even on bad hair days, to make her feel special yucky.

When she comes out from the shower, you might discover scabs and bruises.  This is where your heart needs to be her Band-Aid.  Wrap her up like the gift that she is with the utmost kindness.  During rest, whisper “sleepyhead” in her ear and gently pat her head like she had never been loved before.  Give her a warm sweater instead of lingerie because it’s uncomfortable, and what if she catches a cold?!

Sleepy girls are hot because the best form of sexy is natural.  It’s when she falls asleep with hands tucked neatly underneath her pretty head, and fingertips peek through long sleeves as afternoon sunrays melt into her delightful hair.  Baggy eyes are like pockets for dreams, and all you want is to kiss her forehead and watch her sleep, in case she is awakened by a nightmare.

Sick girls with runny noses are hot because they look like fluffy bunnies.  They glow in bloom, while pregnant girls are hot for the same reason.  It’s the moment you realize she isn’t with child alone, but that you’re together with her as one.

This is why girls with small bellies and stretch marks are hot.  They’re a reminder of their continuance to sacrifice themselves, enduring agony over agony to breathe new life into our lonely world, nurturing and inspiring us to become gentlemen.

It’s not always about taking care of her though.  Tall girls are hot because I long for one to protect me from spiders and monsters.  I wouldn’t even need a nightlight anymore!  Then again, short girls are hot too.  I want one to boss me around because ridiculous girls are the hottest.  I continue thinking of an incredibly cute, grammarless girl to tell me, “I cares about you, Ricky.”

Or even better, a disgusting girl who isn’t afraid to play with dead fish eyeballs; someone who loves to cook and enjoys good food.  I’m looking for a younger wife who’s older than me because of this, as well as the fact that girls with turkey necks distract me more than those with giant boobs.  Floppy skin is quite fascinating.

Physically disabled girls are hot because they understand me more than anyone.  They know what it’s like when no one looks past their limitations.  I want to resurrect her dreams that have shattered and show her she needn’t be alone, and that someone is willing to care for her, if only I could walk again.

Able-bodied girls are hot because love isn’t a journey of automatic empathy.  Even if she can’t completely understand the shadows of my heart, all I’ve ever wanted was someone who wants to love Ricky.

More importantly, girls who don’t feel so hot are hot, because… all girls are hot!!!