Sometimes I wonder why it’s so impossible to let go of my non-memories of romance. I can’t seem to bear the thought of losing the items of imagination that existed none. I suppose it’s just the consequences of life when you’re imprisoned within your own body. I regret the things I’ve no control over and miss those who were never mine.
And truth be told, I’m more afraid of missing out on my first and last kiss than leaving this bittersweet journey behind. Perhaps I shouldn’t necessitate another human being as my reason by any means, but after losing so much, integrity also loses its edge. I want love to be my rest, so I might forget all the death at long last. However, reality is unfortunately not so easy. It takes without giving, without mercy. It destroys until nothing else remains, while the brain becomes your sole companion.
As a six year old boy, I already started dreaming about my wedding day. The thought continues resonating in my mind. It literally makes my heart swell. Why did God decide to give me this dreaded fascination towards women and girls? I see such beauty that many don’t notice, and yet, still, all I can do is observe.
I laugh, hard, whenever someone says that I’m inspirational, when, in fact, I’m too messed up to be anything close to a hero. Why was it a breeze, dealing with Duchenne muscular dystrophy? Because there was always another darkness that hurt more.
Life gives us the opportunity to determine our destiny, but there are times when even free will is taken away, which doesn’t make it unfair. It is what it is. I’m here, but I’m there. I’m free, but I’m trapped. There is no way out, but then, my mind is both a blessing and curse.
Thanks for sharing this writing. As someone who also has Duchenne I very much agree with you on romance. I am painfully close to being able to have a romantic relationship, but it’s always just out of reach. I’ve tried focusing on other aspects of life but the thoughts of romance keep coming back. I’ve come to accept it, but I’ve also been able to find solace in all the things I can achieve, and can control.
I agree that Duchenne makes me feel trapped but I’ve realized there are things I can do, things I can control that aren’t out of reach. I don’t know if you have found things like that for yourself but I hope you don’t feel completely trapped.
Keep writing though, I love what you’ve written!