Are you tired of boring relationships?  Do you feel as if the romance in your life is lacking, and that anything resembling it is cliché and gag-worthy?  Are you looking for something more… adventurous?

If so, this is the guide for you because Ricky’s version isn’t your typical romance.  His is an anti-fairytale that won’t start off with magic or fireworks like in formulated Hollywood sap fests, where you gaze into each other and know.  You’ll probably meet him from online; that place with all the weirdoes and junk!

Fortunately for you, he’s ridiculous.  In fact, he’s so ridiculous that he’ll risk losing his chances with the perfect girl by asking one important question:

“What if I’m a killer of children?”

Assuming you haven’t contacted the Internet police, if you come up with a clever response, this might actually work since you’re obviously crazy!  Don’t worry though, because he couldn’t hurt a fly, literally.  He got the line from his favourite independent film, Me and You and Everyone We Know.

Exciting enough?  This is just the teaser!  He has been writing love letters to no one for the longest time, and the imaginary girl of his dreams keeps playing hard to get.  He’s running out of make-believe wheelchair battery . Only one real question remains that substantiates his journey of romance, or lack thereof:

“Who would ever love Ricky when he can’t even wipe his own nose?”

CAUTION: Telling him “I would” will be the beginning of the strangest love story ever told; the most inconvenient one with a scary robot.  He has a giant mechanical ass after all, but at least he’s not a cardboard people, and you’re the one who wanted this adventure!  Well, are you ready?

Ricky has been growing a nose hair for you since who knows how long.  It’s probably the reason he gets drippy, so your willingness to wipe his nose could possibly mean you were meant to be.  And just for that, you’ll be eligible to win a once in a lifetime opportunity to pull said hair off.  Think of it as a ticket stub of sorts.  Yes, he also takes pleasure in grossing you out.

Because of your willingness to subject yourself to potentially hazardous bodily fluids, he’ll be willing to take care of your heart.  He’s a great listener.  With him, you can freely get things off your chest.

And that’s Ricky; a hopeless romantic “perv” who’s looking for something more, something real, from your heart no less.  He wants to use his to make you feel good about yourself.  It’s all a part of his evil plan, as in getting a really pretty girl to be his bodyguard.

You have a thing for him now, don’t you?  Truth be told, he has a thing for girls who have a thing for him too, and with being in a wheelchair, your height won’t make a difference.  Tall girls can protect him, while he always wanted an angry short girl to boss him around.

After getting to know each other, you’ll have to meet this ridiculous character.  Now, it’s quite natural for you to be a little nervous when he’s not only physically disabled, but on a ventilator as well.  You might be afraid of hurting his feelings, but don’t worry.  He doesn’t expect you to fall in love with a robot, not with his unfazed attitude towards romance.  Didn’t someone say that love finds us when we least expect?  Girls like a guy without too many expectations as a way of assurance for his intentions, so maybe there’s hope?

Then again, it’s only fair that you risk his heart in exchange for risking your life to meet with a killer of children.  It’s true.  He enjoys eating pregnant oranges with the cluster of tiny baby sections that bulge like a delicious tumour.

Entering through the front door of his house, you’ll meet one of his family members.  He or she will lead you to the kitchen where he’s anxiously awaiting you.  It’s kind of clumsy for his giant mechanical derriere to manoeuvre in the foyer, and he doesn’t want to run over your pretty toes.  You might feel hesitant at first due to thoughts of any potential for an awkward situation, but never fear.  Ricky is in control!

As he accelerates toward you with a goofy smile, hold your ground.  He might look like a motorized madman, but you don’t want to hurt his feelings by not trusting his perfect driving skills.  When he stops in front of you from only inches away, you’ll feel a sudden desperation to embrace him for being so adorable.  Seriously, after getting his head buzzed, he looks like a kiwi, and with his enormous grin, how could anyone resist?!

Wheelchair people need… no, scratch that!  Wheelchair Ricky needs hugs from beautiful you!  Didn’t you know how incredibly gorgeous you are?  You’re like a bouquet of fluffy pink bunnies made of marshmallow heart candies.  It’s your fault when he backs away with a slip of his hand because in his mind, he’s rapidly fanning his mouth like a groundhog that just ate a leaf of lettuce sprayed with a cayenne pepper solution.

Following the initial non-awkward moment, things will get better when he shivers in front of you.  He couldn’t pee while anticipating your arrival, and when you gotta go, you gotta go!  No, he didn’t doodle himself, but in a bag, for convenience.  Do you honestly expect him to be transferred onto the commode chair when he pees like a woman, as in every five minutes?  Are you ridiculous or something?

Really?  Good, because ridiculous girls are the hottest, and for someone who breathes through a machine, Ricky is ridiculously talkative.  He wants to get to know and compliment you, and be your best friend.  He wants to find the heart of the girl who’s willing to give him a chance.

Because of the ventilator, he has to speak between each breath, so be patient.  He hates when people interrupt to finish his sentences, and if you wait for him, he’ll tell you some of the sweetest things in the world just to make you hurl, and congratulations!  Your gag-worthy experiences of cliché have been upgraded to a puke fest.  He promises to collect your warm, lumpy softness in the name of romance and cuddle with it like it’s his and your love child.

As you grow to understand Ricky, you’ll eventually realize why dates start with a movie, then dinner, instead of the other way around like with normal couples.  He’s more emotionally unstable with an empty stomach and he believes showing you his sensitive side may perhaps make you fall in love with him.  In the corner of your eye, you’ll find he’s about to cry.  What are you waiting for?  Grab his hand… NOT THAT ONE!!!

With tears rolling down his cheeks, you need to reach over for the Kleenex located conveniently on his side and wipe them away.  Looking into his deep brown eyes, things might finally get awkward.  During that moment, he’ll try to make things better by winking at you, except with the wetness, it’ll cause even more awkwardness.

At the crispy sound of tumbleweed, his ingenious mind will inspire him to ask for the time in an attempt to steal a kiss.  He can’t lift his arm to look at his watch, so lean over and do it for him.  When you look up, you’ll see a sparkle in his eye from the late afternoon sun, or is that your boob crack?

Okay, perhaps it’s a little early for lip lock, but you see that itchy red part under his right eye?  Kiss it so it might go away for good.  He wants to kiss you too, particularly that small fatty part under your chin.  Just tilt your head up and… uh, maybe not, since such a death defying act would require his tongue, so kiss his kiwi head once, or maybe twice?  Kiss him a hundred million times, darn it!

Great, now look what you’ve done!  He looks like a fruit salad of tomato and kiwi!  When he shuffles his wheels and makes that weird squeaky sound, that’s your cue.  What better way to give him a hug than to start off by playing with his head?  Placing yours upon his shoulder, he’ll close his eyes and surrender to the silk of your hair, brushing against his skin while your fingertips dab upon his neckline.

Remember not to let go when he makes a small sigh because how is it possible for angelic you to hurt him with your sweet embraces?  He’s ironclad, and no one wants to hug Ricky since hugging him would be like hugging a real-life Terminator.  You did, and because of how special you are, he’ll confide in you a secret for your ears only.

With his cheap bastard inventions and ideas, he has come up with an awesome plan for a (picnic) restaurant franchise.  Ricknic’s will make a fortune.  It’s highly economical as there wouldn’t be a need for tables and chairs, only blankets, environmentally unfriendly plastic utensils, and unrecyclable paper plates.  He could watch you make sandwiches with assorted deli meats for all eternity.  Isn’t he a genius?

Of course, this is also how his figure remains to be slender, like the easy, breezy, beautiful cover boy that he is.  Brilliance requires a great deal of neurological power, and thinking is a killer of calories.  He can’t even have shuteye most of the time because of this, which is why he tries to tire himself by getting to bed as late as possible.  Since he has athlete’s brain, isn’t it time for dinner?

You’re preparing a meal for him, aren’t you?  How on earth did you know his favourite is chicken wings besides the fact that he’s the reason poultry can’t fly?  This is absolutely delicious, mainly because you cooked hands-on, with love.  You should feel special because he doesn’t usually eat in front of people who aren’t family.  He doesn’t have the strength to feed himself anymore.  These days, food likes to bunch up in his cheeks every so often.  It makes him look like a chipmunk with a face full of nuts.  Don’t make him laugh, or worse, say nice things about him because spontaneous combustion happens.  Could you squish his cheeks already?

So how about a romantic evening’s walk on the sidewalk?  Yes, I know it’s getting dark outside and he’ll look like a blind man driving, but sunglasses make him even sexier.  He can be surprisingly shallow.

Walking hand-in-hand, please keep your feet at least half a foot away from his wheels.  If he drives around in circles screaming like a little girl, be sure to protect him from moths and butterflies, along with other flying insects.  He doesn’t mind if you jumped up and down to swat away those evil creatures.

Unfortunately, he has a mosquito bite.  A little scratch please?  No, left a little… right a little… no-no-no… right is wrong, left is right!  No, just scratch his invisible unibrow!  Right there, you got it!

Sure, it might be awkward for his parents to follow you two from a short distance behind, but you still don’t know how to take care of Ricky.  What if he dies?!  Ha, I’m only messing with you!  You’ll learn everything eventually, and it really isn’t all that hard after ten years… kidding!

As nightfall overshadows the remnant glow of evening skies, you’ll find yourselves down at the gully near the intersection.  There’s a path that runs along a channel of sewer water in this romantic walk to remember.  He might stop for a while and make small talk on the dirty wooden bench.  He’ll want to hold your hand, but seriously, don’t take his right (joystick) one.  He doesn’t want to drive down into that kind of stream!

All that matters is the distance between your eyes and his.  You see the broken part on the midline of his bottom lip?  There’s a miniature flap of skin peeling off.  Would you like a midnight snack?  No, he doesn’t want Chap Stick, only the one on your tender lips of juice (he shouldn’t drink and drive).  Placing them upon his, it might go away for good.

You’re kissing him?!  Girls don’t kiss boys in wheelchairs, especially a poisonous frog like him!  Are you crazy?!  Really?!  For him?!

He always wanted his first to be with the girl who stays with him for the rest of his life, yet none of that matters because it was yours.  You’ve just made his dreams come true.  Though, you should probably let go by now since your face is turning blue.  Ventilator kisses last forever, and he doesn’t want to kill you, or have his last memories of you as the one resembling that of a Chinese vampire.

Guess what?!  He loves you!  Ricky is head over wheels in love with you, and it’s time.  No, wait.  It’s getting kind of chilly and he needs an extra coat; yours.  Didn’t I tell you he wanted a really pretty girl to be his bodyguard?  Just don’t try and zip it up because first of all, it’s impossible with his chest strap, but more importantly, considering the jacket zipper incident involving his nipple, it isn’t a good idea!

His nose is getting drippy.  It’s your chance to show your love by wiping it for him.  It’s also time to get your nose hair ticket stub, but please leave it on your fingertip.  Tell him to close his eyes and blow on it.  Ricky has never wished upon a star because he always needed to wish upon your heart.

With the inch-long nose hair drifting about in the air above reflections of moonlight upon the river of distilled urine and liquefied excrement, whisper in his ear, “I love you too.”  As your soft-spoken words seep into his heart, his wish will come true, while the illuminated abyss envelops your surroundings.  This moment has transcended the fabric of space and time, and you’ve been taken to the future…

By now, you’ve learned to care for Ricky with great confidence and you feel safe and comfortable with one another.  According to your continued readings of his heart, you place his hand upon your face and yours upon his as the distance between your eyes becomes a moment of hush, yours forevermore.  It collides with eternity as you lay beneath the stars.

Falling asleep in the comfort of your arms with your sweet breath upon his face, the melodic rhythm of your heart will soon become his dreamy lullaby.  Because of your loving affections, he’ll find the slumber of dreamland for once in his life.  He loves you so much.

Lying next to him as the sunlight embraces your graceful silhouette, don’t forget to reach for his hands.  They’re even softer at dawn!  You wouldn’t want to miss the chance to interlock fingers when his are girly and delicate.  I know you’re jealous of them, but they’re yours anyway, and… no way!  You’re seriously jealous?

Do you really want to start a fight with him, princess?  Because you know he’ll one-up you by being even more irrational and emotionally unstable, right?  Face it.  You can’t win, even when you do.  In fact, he can be so much of a jerk that he won’t even share this scrumptious cookie with you.  What are you, insane?!

Wait, what?  You’re crying?  Sigh… did I mention that Ricky is cursed?  Yes, he really had to pick this time of the month to be mean!

Curled up in the corner with beautiful heart cries leaking from your eyes, his heart is breaking in two.  His one wish is to write words of encouragement on Band-Aids and stick them all over your face.  He wants to peel a juicy grape to cheer you, but even that he can’t do.  He can only remain jealous of those diamond droplets of dreams, kissing your darling cheeks.

But emotional girls are super cute, and right now, you look like a mozzarella ball.  How can he keep from giggling when you look like a round lump of bandaged cheese?  He’ll apologize immediately before bursting into laughter.  When he does, run towards him and squeeze tight because clingy girls are hot, except, he just ruined everything by cracking up, while you’re giving him the dirty look.  This is why he’s faking death, in fear that you might cut it off.

As you proceed to give him mouth-to-mouth, which won’t work considering he’s on a ventilator (on second thought, never mind), hilarious air pressure will cause your mouths to inevitably explode.  Good thing laughter is contagious because your thoughts on castration have been forgotten.  It is then that he’ll apologize for real.  Don’t you get tired of being right all the time?

All ridiculousness aside, pride will never be of importance when it comes to you.  You mean everything to him.  What does it matter who’s right or wrong when you’re his world?  It means a lot that you’ve let him in your heart to the point where he’s able to make you cry through means of denying cookies because he needs to be needed by you.

What Ricky doesn’t realize, however, is the fact that you didn’t cry because of baked goods.  You were emotional because you realized you couldn’t continue a relationship with him, while getting rich from picnic restaurants won’t make a difference when it was never about that.  You really love him, don’t you?  I know this is one of the most difficult things you’ll do when he’s the last person you’d ever want to hurt, but breaking up with him is a very crucial step.  He knows this and understands.

Softly plunging your quivering lips into his with salty tears falling into his mouth, give him one last hug before leaving.  Wrap your arms around and hold him like you’re never letting go.  This is the moment he’ll remember for the rest of his life.

Just don’t blame him for not following you to the foyer during your departure because he knows you need to pee again.  He has super hearing and doesn’t want your drippy urethra to be a part of his final memory of the girl he loves, more than you’ll ever know.

When you open the closet, you’ll find a present with your name attached.  It’s an elegant dress made from finish line ribbons because you’ve made his life complete.  Will you please stop crying, sweetie? At least you didn’t get dumped by a cripple!